I'm No Super Mom: How I Find Security In My Parenting Style

The internet can be a plague on new parents.  In spite of the many helpful and creative parenting tips and ideas, the message that many moms (including me!) receive is, "other parents are doing it better than you are." And other parents can be downright cruel on internet message boards, because they often do believe that they are doing it better than you. I spend extensive reasonable amounts of time on Pinterest, Facebook, etc. and I see it all the time: Everyone has the "best" parenting advice to offer.

But how is that possible? The way I see it, parenting is a very individualized skill. Comparing your parenting skills to those of other parents is an absurd notion.  You and your parenting partner are unique individuals and, more importantly, so are your children.  Making a fair comparison is truly not possible.

I have been a mom for 15 months - longer if you consider that motherhood actually begins during the 9 months a woman is carrying her little one - and I still struggle with the task of feeling secure in my parenting. I worry that I'm doing things wrong.  I fret over my child's behavior.  Some reminders I give myself in times of great parental insecurity are:


Don't knock anything until you've tried it

Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cloth diapers, disposables, co-sleeping, baby food from a jar, organic homemade baby food, spanking, day care, weekly bathing, daily bathing, circumcision, allowing TV, taking away the pacifier.... There are no right or wrong parenting choices here.  And regardless of your opinions, you are only responsible for decisions made regarding your own child.  You have no say in how other people parent their children.  This concept is hard for some of us to accept and it's easy to assume that everyone you know shares your beliefs on these matters of raising children.  They don't.  Parenting styles are similar to religious beliefs: Everyone is entitled to their own, and some people prefer to be private about them. 

But the less you judge other parents for their choices, the more secure you will feel about your own parenting decisions.  Only you know what's right for your baby and your family - and the same is true for other parents.  It's totally fine to say, "_____ is just not for us," but what's the point of judging others when _____ might be the right thing for their child? 

Parents often adopt certain expectations for what parenting will be like while they are waiting for Baby to be born.  Pinterest is riddled with pins like, "Best Organic Homemade Baby Food Recipes: our future baby will NOT be eating the crap from a jar!" Keep in mind that it's impossible to know what your experience will be like once baby is born.  I expected to breastfeed Little J until he transitioned to cow's milk at 12 months.  I never expected that we would have 7 months of exclusive formula feeding instead.  It's easy to assume that things will go as planned, but they never really do.  Be open to options that you may not expect to need.  Like formula.  Or jarred baby food for days when you are out of the house and unable to carry a cooler full of homemade food around with you.  It's easy to feel like a failure if you set the bar too high for yourself, which makes it all the more important to:

Know your strengths (and weaknesses)

I am no Super Mom.  I am really awesome at showing my baby affection, singing funny made-up rhyming songs to him, and throwing elaborate theme parties for him.  I rock at being patient when he's acting up and calming him when he cries during the night.  I might be great at blending up cooked carrots and spinach for The Peanut to eat instead of expensive baby food pouches, but I suck at cooking balanced meals for Jared and myself.  I often get behind on housework and I frequently lose patience with the dogs and scream at them embarrassingly in front of the neighbors.  I have a lower energy level than I'd like to admit and I will always struggle to teach my little ones healthy social habits because of my own social anxieties.

But I know these things about myself.  And Jared knows these things about me, which allows him to step in where I might struggle.  I am blessed to have a partner in parenting, and our teamwork allows us to pick up the other person's slack when things get hard.


Only rely on parenting advice from people you truly trust

Like I said, I am thankful every day to have a teammate in this parenting adventure.  I can't even begin to fathom the difficulties that single parents face every day.  It's so important to have a support system in your life when parenting turns difficult. 

Regardless of your situation, it can be really easy to search for advice from every direction - family, friends, coworkers, parenting boards online... You may be lucky enough to have many friends and family members who give you sound, relevant advice when it comes to parenting.  And that's great!  I am much more picky about who I ask for advice, mostly because I have a very small network of people who I truly trust.  But this makes it much easier for me to keep my head clear and avoid confusion.  And when it really comes down to it, Jared and I are the only people in the world who fully know our child and his capabilities, and therefore the only people qualified for the job of being his parents. 


Stop comparing

One of my biggest weaknesses in the beginning of parenthood was doing internet research regarding infant development.  There are sites that list out all of the things that an infant of any given age "should" be doing to be considered "normal" compared to "average babies."  But if I pick up an actual book or speak to my pediatrician, I am always reminded of the fact that all babies are different.  There are no two babies who will reach the same developmental milestones at the same time, and any major developmental concerns will be addressed by your pediatrician anyways.  So I stay away from "baby"websites altogether. 

Even more difficult is avoiding comparison between your baby and other babies you know.  Saying, "So-and-so's kid is younger than mine and can already count to 5!  I must be doing something wrong," is so unfair to yourself AND your child.  Try to be proud of your child's abilities and worry less about what other kids are able to do.  Just like knowing your own strengths, know your child's strengths.  Little J doesn't say any words yet, but he can sure keep a beat!  I know that he will eventually start talking, and it does me no good to compare him to other babies of the same age who have an extensive vocabulary already.  I also try to keep in mind that my child's development will be influenced by his circumstances.  My sweet boy was born at 37 weeks and, although considered full-term, we faced challenges in the beginning that parents of 40-week infants did not encounter. Every baby is an individual, making comparison a senseless waste of energy. 

The last little reminder I like to give myself is this: I turned out to be a caring, thoughtful, smart and creative adult in spite of any mistakes my parents surely made when raising me.  Jared turned out to be a kind, responsible, hard-working man in spite of his parents mistakes.  And my children will turn out to be adults who make me proud no matter what mistakes I make along the way.