When I was a brand new parent, I wish you had told me...

Before Little J was born, we felt pretty prepared.  We were ready to be parents in every way - and we were beyond excited for his arrival.  There were only a few things I wish somebody had told me in the first couple weeks he was home:

i can't believe he was ever that tiny

1. It's OK to watch a lot of TV in the beginning.


In those first couple weeks, we watched the entire series of Lost, True Blood, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... and I felt overwhelmingly guilty for lounging on the couch that much.  But what I wish someone would have reminded of, was that I was recovering from a major (27 hour) physical event, Jared was recovering from severe lack of sleep and stress and the baby just alternated between eating and sleeping, so he didn’t care.  All we wanted to do was spend time together being relaxed and calm – we didn't want to worry about housework or cooking or going anywhere.  And what we ultimately realized was that people will offer to help with that stuff. And if they don’t, it doesn’t really need to get done anyways.  

2. People will give you advice you don't want.

All people.  I’m doing it right now.  People love to relive their personal experiences with their own babies. They will not hesitate to give you graphic, uncensored birth stories.  They will tell you every mistake they ever made with their own kids.  They will quote chapter after chapter from their favorite parenting book.  People will act like they think you're an unprepared, ignorant idiot.  I was quick to take offense, but I should have realized that these friends, relatives, acquaintances and strangers were really just trying to show their support.  I wish I had just smiled, nodded and taken comfort in the fact that so many people wanted me to succeed as a mom. 

3. There will always be somebody who thinks you are doing it wrong. 

It doesn’t matter how well you do the new parenting thing – someone, somewhere will disagree with your methods.  There are radical believers of every extreme: anti-formula, anti-breastfeeding, anti-epidural, anti-midwife, anti-swaddling, anti-everything…  Don’t try to please anyone.  Seriously, just do things YOUR WAY.  You will be judged no matter what, so just stick with your own personal beliefs.   I tried to defend my parenting choices to people who would never see my point of view.  Someone should have whispered in my ear, "what's the point?" and I could have gone on my merry way doing things the way that I felt was right. 

4.  Read some parenting books, but don’t obsess over them.   

      You will get conflicting information from every book, website, doctor, nurse, parent you consult.  We got such varying opinions about our Peanut’s jaundice that we felt totally bewildered and frightened and unsure of what to do.  One doctor said he had NO jaundice at all, while the breastfeeding specialist said his jaundice looked potentially dangerous (and there were several people with viewpoints landing somewhere in between).   My only advice is to go with your gut.  If you disagree with a professional, that’s OK.  Get a second opinion.  Or a third… Don’t treat parenting books as gospel, either.  Every baby is different and you know your baby better than anyone else does.  Try not to compare your baby to other babies his age.  I started walking at 9 ½ months – Little J is 9 months now and barely beginning to crawl.  Why drive yourself crazy making comparisons when every baby is different?

5. Be realistic about your expectations.

Most of the birth experience will likely be different than you expect. Obviously, every woman is different and every baby is different - so don’t assume that your mom’s (or aunt’s or sister’s or friend’s) experience will be anything like your own.  I'm the kind of person who likes to have a plan, but I wish I had been more aware of the need for flexibility.  It’s great to have a birth plan typed up, but don’t be surprised when your plan has to be altered during labor.  And don't expect for breastfeeding to be a cinch.  Or for any of your pre-pregnancy cloths to fit.  Or for recovery to be quick... Be fair to yourself with your expectations.   Do expect to fall madly in love with your baby.  And to change his outfit several times a day because he looks so cute in everything.  And to take hundreds of pictures to look at when you miss him, because you will miss him even when he's just in the other room napping...

This is the point I'd like to emphasize the most.  If you have realistic expectations from the start, the inevitable surprises that pop up along the way will be less likely to result in grand disappointments.  I was unfair to myself in my expectations about nursing:

The one regret I have about Little J’s first few months is that I put too much pressure on myself to breastfeed him for a certain amount of time.  My body didn’t live up to my expectations, and I stubbornly refused to acknowledge the fact that I may not be able to produce enough milk for him.  I suffered countless nights of frustration, guilt, grief and sadness at the thought of giving up on something I so desperately wanted to succeed at.  I tried every natural remedy I could.  We ultimately ended up making a full switch to formula when he was 5 months old and had fallen to the 1st percentile for weight.  I pushed myself longer than I should have to avoid feeling like a failure.  Even though I did nothing wrong and I tried my absolute hardest, my deepest confession is that I still feel such remorse for being unable to fulfill my breastfeeding goal.  I know deep down that  I'm not a failure, but because of the expectation I set up for myself, I've had a hard time moving on.  

I know there will be many more occasions in my career as a mom when I will feel guilt or remorse.  But I also know that every parent makes mistakes - even mine (gasp!), but if I focus on giving my children love, support and devotion, those little failures will be so small in comparison that I won't even think to dwell on them.

happy and healthy boy

  
      The one piece of advice I would like to pass along that wasn't discovered by mistake is this:

          Follow a loose schedule.  Obviously rigid, boot camp routines aren’t going to be practical for newborns, but instituting an informal schedule can be extremely helpful later on.  People have an array of opinions about sleep-training and feeding schedules, but the important thing is to create a routine that works for your baby.   Try to follow it, at least casually.  As your baby grows, he will adapt to change more easily if he can count on the security you’ve established in his daily routine. This has been one of the most valuable things we have discovered as new parents.

For thoughts about my pregnancy, read my post When I Was Pregnant, I Wish You Had Told Me...